Wow! Ten year anniversary and still no followers. My streak continues.

Self-therapy through journaling.... Novel? No! Essential? Yes!

Adjustment difficulties. That's probably the way some would describe it. Finicky is what others have said. I just think that I don't belong anywhere. When I have felt loved and accepted I have been able to cope better but most often I feel completely alone. An outsider. The one who doesn't belong.

Now that is not necessarily bad. Often though I am bereft. Often I am alone in these thoughts. Often I can't get out of them. I feel myself at the bottom of some slippery barrel unable to get a grip to pull myself out or up. The walls are slippery, there is no place to take hold. The only way to get traction is to involve someone who can help me But I can't. When I do I drive others away. 

So I go round and round in circles in my head. And while I'm in my head I'm also on the outside, filled with reproach and criticism for myself. Why do I have this effect on people? Why do I feel constantly disappointed and let down? Do I expect too much? Is this a problem I create because it makes me feel more important? Am I narcissistic? Am I neurotic? Do I have a borderline personality disorder? Or do I simply have an incredibly toxic relationship with my mother? 

I cannot afford to go to therapy. So here is where I will try to heal myself. I will talk this out with myself. Put this down on virtual paper. Try to connect the dots. Try to decipher and then I want to move beyond and let it go. I want to find some solid ground to stand on. I need to cultivate and nurture my resiliency. I have to develop for myself tools for coping. 

First I want to try to understand why I can't cope. Why I have so many, many conflicts in my life. Or at least I perceive it as if I have many. Perhaps I only have the average level of shitstorm in my life but I have nothing to compare it to. But still, I need to figure out a better way to roll with the punches. A more constructive way to cope...

1. Am I the only one who has conflicts?

2. Do my conflicts bother me because I feel like I shouldn't have any?

3. Do my conflicts bother me because the people with whom I have them do not have the same personal style that I do when it comes to solving conflicts?

4. Or am I simply unable to get over the primal dissonance in my life - the dilapidated foundation of my life with a mother who was distant and dismissive during my childhood and an absent father, a chaotic household with much yelling and conflict, a demanding mother, a mother who had no patience, no penchant for nurturing, a mother who was so wrapped up in her own issues that she just didn't have time???

5. Do the origins of my issues matter? Must I work through them to heal? Or can I skim over them and just try to look forward?

Maybe I just need to keep a running dialogue with myself about the things that get under my skin, thereby venting them to someone who actually cares and will listen. 

it's mine

the first day of spring 2008.